I Find Myself Surrounded…

I find myself surrounded by warriors

By those whose scars don’t show at first glance

My loved ones have endured more horrors than I can fathom

In spite of that, they can still find a reason to go on
every day

More than that, they bring joy, they bring kindness, they
bring laughter to those of us who have the privilege to love
them

I’m surrounded by warriors

I’m surrounded by such strength & beauty that
I’m constantly amazed at them & I wish I had their
courage

I’m not a part of their battle

I cannot fight at their side

But I try to do my part by shouting encouragement from the
sidelines & nursing the wounds that I’m able to
treat

They teach me patience & kindness & endurance

And I hope & pray for each of them, that they find calm
and peace and comfort

More than that, I pray they will fight on

……….

My dear loved one wrote this poem. I appreciate her kind words and understanding as someone who dosnt feel the torment in my head directly but definatly feels the rippling effects of it.

It is easy not to feel like a warrior. To feel weak and worthless. But those of us that resist death, resist voices everyday are amazingly strong.

It gets to a point that you are not even disappointed anymore…when they let you down they are only living up to the expectation that they set for themselves.

Abusive family members are ridiculously common now. It is stranger to hear of a happy put together family than a broken one. Emotional abuse, sexual, physical; they are all rampant problems today. But your parent being abusive does not mean that you will be abusive; at least it doesn’t have to.

While mental illness runs in my family it can only excuse so much. I like to think my siblings and I learned what not to do. We learned how not to be emotionally abusive, to be sensitive towards peoples weight insecurities, that screaming at children or beating them ruthlessly is not a just punishment. We learned to show love and support and empathy and to think about others even when we are not shown the same consideration.

There are many personal examples I could list for you but instead I really just want to urge people with mentally ill loved ones to educate themselves. And I urge those with young children to always be a safe haven and support for your child.

It is easy to be overwhelmed when a loved one has psychosis. If your loved one has panic attacks and they cry, have hysteria, talk nonsense, please know they don’t do this on purpose or to be dramatic. This isn’t personal. Getting just as amped up will NOT help the situation. Some people need a calm voice. They may need to hear that its ok and they have your support and love. Some people may need to not be touched at all. Please, do your best to listen compassionately. Over medicating them or yelling is never the answer.

It’s important to pay attention to mental health development during your child’s youth. Appropriate love and affection is important, making them feel heard is important. A child who may look dramatic or irrational may have a hidden reason. You may think they are acting out because they are “just a teen” but they may be struggling and need a safe place to talk. When I was 15 I started to have flashbacks of what Don did to me. Every time I closed my eyes even to blink it was all I could see. I was afraid, I didn’t understand. I was emotional, combative and alone. Personally, I feel if I was supported instead of punished my mental health would be different then it is today.

Maybe you think I shouldn’t give advice to parents because I’ve never been one. “It’s harder than you think!” I agree, I think that being a parent must be the hardest but most important job there is. And that’s why I urge you to not only care for your child physically but emotionally. Children are beautiful sponges and we are responsible with preparing them for a successful happy life.

This was my table at the Mc Gough Parkon Saturday

Recent painting I did…

I am experimenting with abstract. The far back ground is actually modpodged music sheets in Russian.

This is the painting I found at the park by the other artist. Beautiful

You may have noticed I haven’t posted in almost 2 months. Life is crazy. I heard an expression once that really struck me. “Life is like dancing with a 300 pound gorilla. You don’t decide when to stop, the gorilla does.” Life just throws stuff at you and you gotta roll with the punches the best you can because a 5’ 4’’ chubby redhead is NOT much a match for the massive unpredictable gorilla which is life.

Moment of truth, I was pregnant. Some people love being pregnant but I am not one of them. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and if you remember any of what I have revealed that is saying something. I was more miserable and sick then I can ever remember being. Turns out I am or was high risk and these medications I have to take every day for the rest of my life are killing more than just my liver.

On the bright side I have had a lot of outside interest in my Artistically Unhinged Instagram and artwork during this 2 month time period. A newish App called Firework wants to sponsor me to make art tutorial videos which just being contacted in itself is heartwarming. Most the time I feel really underappreciated and talentless as an artist so to see people email me gives me a glimmer of inspiration when I feel like it is pointless to even try to pick up a paintbrush anymore.

Yesterday, March 2^nd, my sister and I were in a park in Largo, Florida trying to sell our passion to people. She loves essential oil and even more so loves to share her love with others. While I was trying desperately to make some cash so I could like maybe pay a bill on time. To my surprise I did better than expected and I even met another artist there. Her landscapes were beautiful. I don’t often like other artists work. And I definitely don’t buy them because well, I am an art snob. But I was really intrigued by this woman. With my extra training in Alzheimer and Dementia care I could clearly see that she had some cognitive issues but that is what made her talent so compelling to me. She only asked for a donation in exchange for a painting. The piece I chose is posted bellow.

So, I will try to do better to post. Last week was National Eating Disorder week. I posted on Instagram about it but I need to write a late post here as well. Spoiler, I have had let’s say a mild problem with ED and I know people, some people I care about that struggle immensely with it. It is really important to realize the medical risks. ED is not a fad. But more on that later.

Looking back 2018 it seems like it flew by but it really brought a lot of change. It brought debilitating illness, financial trouble but most importantly it brought lessons and self-awareness.

In 2018 I finally found out my diagnoses. Having a name for these feelings brings me a little peace and being able to research and see that others have felt like this helps immensely. The feeling that bothered me most was feeling empty and unfulfilled. I tried for a long time to change that, desperately jumping around in life looking for happiness. Once I knew this was a chronic feeling associated with BPD it didn’t bother me much anymore. Being able to work on myself and my relationships through the help of books like “I hate you, don’t leave me” has really helped. It made me look at life and relationships with more realistic expectations. If you haven’t read that book it goes in depth about the condition, the causes and treatments and case studies to illustrate.

As far as goals for 2019, I want to keep working on myself. I need to find a therapist that understands personality disorders, I want to lose weight, I want to save money to go to Japan and I want to spend more time developing my blog. I actually made a bullet journal for 2019 too. I have a page to chart my daily emotions, another to track my daily chores, as well as pages to track exercise, my blog and savings. Bullet journals are a great way to track your mental wellbeing and I look forward to seeing the difference in my emotions chart in the next year.

The end of the year also marked one month since I started this Blog. Since I began I have 1000 more followers on Instagram, over 100 more followers on Facebook and over 500 followers and 200k views on Pinterest. I don’t know if there is some sort of standard for the one month mark of a blog but I am pretty happy with the progress. I know I can put more into it but living with depression and mental illness makes it challenging.

2018 wasn’t perfect but it was necessary for progress and growth. I look forward to growing more this year.

Thanks for a great first month, guys.

You can find more of me on Instagram

@artistically_unhinged

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“New year. New me”

No…I am pretty sure in one year I will still be me. Immensely in love with cats, bad sense of humour and especially insecure and emotional but my hope is that in the very least I can handle life a little easier. We are all a work in progress. A masterpeice to be.

Winter officially began December 21^st, Many people love this time of year for the colorful lights, the delicious food and the family gatherings but there are those that dread Winter because with the darker, shorter days comes an unwanted guest, seasonal depression.

Seasonal depression, also known as seasonal affective disorder is ac subtype of bipolar disorder or depression that starts and ends at the same time every year. Most times it starts in Fall or Winter but rarely it has been seen in Spring or Summer.

About 5% of the population develops seasonal depression each year and four out of five sufferers are women. Signs of seasonal depression include depression, anxiety, mood changes, lethargy, sexual problems, change in sleeping patterns and overeating. The disorder can be diagnosed after two occurrences of depression starting and ending at the same time of year.

A lack of serotonin due to reduced sunlight in Fall and Winter is one cause of seasonal depression. Studies have shown that those who have the disorder have more serotonin transmitter proteins resulting in less serotonin in the brain. Another cause is too much melatonin which is created more in the Fall and Winter months because of more darkness.

Some of the things you can do to prevent seasonal depression are to exercise more, get more sunlight and use stress management techniques such as meditation.

So today my cousins, nephew and I made a family painting. We first attached balloons pull of paint onto the large canvas (which I got on sale for 12$) and threw darts at them. The balloons WOULD NOT pop. after about an hour of failed attempts I started to stab the balloons out of frantic desperation to get any paint on the canvas. Then I took a large syringe and squirted the rest of the paint all over the place, some even landed on the canvas. That was my favorite part.

The kids loved being allowed to throw things and be messy and though I have no idea where we are going to put this massive canvas; it was a fun family project.

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Borderline Personality Disorder is closely linked with and may even contribute to the development of other mental disorders. In this post I will consider BPD in comparison to Schizophrenia, Bipolar/Major Depressive Disorder and ADHD and also a little extra information about Schizoaffective Disorder.

People with Schizophrenia are more impaired then people with BPD especially socially and typically less manipulative. Both have agitated psychotic episodes, self-destructive tendencies and hallucinations. These two diagnoses frequently co-exist.

Both those with Bipolar or Major Depressive Disorder and BPD have racing thoughts and mood swings but those with BPD are less functional. Also those with BPD have mood swings more reactive to environmental factors.

It has been found that many children with ADHD later grow up to develop personality disorders. As far as similarities with BPD both show a general lack of concern for future consequences.

I am curious about what this meant for me as someone who has Schizoaffective Disorder (so I have elements of both Schizophrenia and being Bipolar) but as of yet I have found little about Schizoaffective Disorder and BPD specifically. The difference between schizoaffective and schizophrenia is that the mood episodes with schizoaffective are almost constant but the psychotic elements come and go which is pretty much the opposite with schizophrenia. There is also the unofficial diagnosis of having “Borderline Schizophrenia” which makes sense since we know that they are often seen together.

The most interesting thing I found about BPD being added to the diagnoses of depression, Schizoaffective, Schizophrenia, or Bipolar Disorder is that it drastically heightens the risk of suicide. Historically, only about 15% of people with Schizophrenia commit suicide but with BPD that number jumps to 80%.

It is so important that mental health becomes something we can freely talk about. Mental illness doesn’t mean you are violent or dangerous but for some reason people are afraid of us. The fact is people with mental illness are more likely to be abused then to be the abuser. If more people can open their heart and talk about this taboo subject more people would be comfortable getting help and support. Many Doctors believe that mental illness is just the brain not being able to communicate properly and say it should more accurately be called a brain disorder. Maybe if everyone thought of mental illness in that way we wouldn’t have to fight the stigma every day.

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This is my latest mental health sketch. I used to draw this all the time as a young teen to describe how I felt.

There are many mental health benefits to haveing pets!
Scientists actually did a test with 600 cat owners and no-pet owners including those who dont like cats and 87% of them confirmed they felt less stress and more comfort with a cat around.

And dog owners dont feel left out, studies have been done on the theraputic effects of dogs as well. 33% of those who have chronic pain and spend 15 minutes with a dog a day experience pain relief. And those who visit with a dog each day need 28% less medication for chrinic ailments. If you live alone and have a dog it will actually help you live longer and have 36% less of a chance of cardiovascular related death. This is because dogs require maintance, a schedule and walking, and by having that routine you are in turn helping your own health.

Infact studies have shown that even petting non-cuddly animals such as turtles will decrease blood pressure.

So, animals help regulate blood pressure and breathing, ease anxiety and also boost self esteem by giveing the owners a schedule to look forward to and someone to look after.
Pets have been proven to help with serious mental illness by helping the owners deal with their emotion and be a distraction from voices and hallucinations and adding to their self-worth.
Pets help people of all ages. From comforting an ageing parent to calming over energized children.

My cat is a huge brat and likes to nibble my toes and chew Angels cords and eats and poops more then a full field of horses, but, I would not trade her for anything. She is my baby, my princess and I love her. There is nothing that warms the heart like knowing that wherever I go in the house that little munchkin will be following behind me because she HAS to sit on my lap as soon as I sit down. And really, I’m glad she is a little bit of a nudge. She has a bit of an attitude just like me.

While I dont reccomend going out and buying a pet willy-nilly I think if you are able to give them the proper care they are a great investment and they in turn will take care of you!

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I dont have any art to share for this post but enjoy some amazingly cuddly cat pictures instead!

After I wrote my blog post yesterday about the 9 criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder I received some inquiries about my personal story. So here it is, here is the root of my illness:

It is 50% more likely that one will have BPD if a parent has it. Also most with the condition have a history of being abused. I don’t know my dad’s exact diagnoses but due to his lying, promiscuity, and irrational anger I wouldn’t be surprised if he did have BPD. He wasn’t a good man. He abused us emotionally, mentally and sexually. I have moved over 44 times in my life most of those times because we had to keep running away from him.

I remember being 5 years old and I reached across the dining room table and as a punishment he put a hot pot on top of my hand. At a similar age if I forgot to use a napkin he would knock me to the floor. I remember hiding under the table while he screamed and beat my siblings. I get flashbacks of being watched in the bathroom and trying to sleep knowing there was truly a monster watching from the closet. He is the reason I am so afraid of windows and why I spent years showering with a swimsuit on. But no one told me this wasn’t normal. I thought this was how dads were. So I feared them all. I was shocked when he died, but not unhappy. Finally I could go outside and not be petrified, watching over my shoulder.

Sometimes I wish I had a real, proper dad but I don’t think I could ever be open to that now, I wouldn’t know how. I am thankful to my brother who has taken care of me like his own and my late grandpa who was the kindest man I ever met.

I have always been depressed. I wasn’t even happy when I was younger. I have been suicidal since I was 11 years old, It wasn’t until this year that I knew my diagnoses and I feel like I know myself so much better. But it is tough to live with especially when it really started to rear its ugly head.

It started about 2 years ago. I was in the bathroom and my toothpaste was empty so I threw it away, the normal reaction right? But my toothbrush was furious. He screamed at me. How dare I just throw him away like that! I yelled back, holding back tears, but he just kept sneering and criticizing. The next thing I remember is being in bed and a bird is pecking at my arm and I am screaming trying to get away from it. Over time it evolved. A woman in white with her face covered with a thick white veil would drip through the walls but I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t get away from her grasp. A disfigured face with his eyes ripped from their sockets and sharp bloody teeth would hide at the end of my bed and grab at my hands and feet. And the monster in the closet would open the door and breathe heavily but not dare show his face. Constantly the voices would whisper to me “Die”, “Kill yourself”, and worse things I wouldn’t dare type.

I have been on my fair share of antipsychotics. The first pill the Doctor gave me made me gain 70 pounds in one year. Believe me, I was less than thrilled. Especially as one who grew up horribly criticized for my looks, gaining ANYTHING is mentally and emotionally painful. But If I missed even one dose of the medication I would lose my ability to speak coherent English and became extremely afraid and paranoid. When I got my Doctor to change the prescription and the next few months were more painful than the weight gain.

With the next medicine I was given I had all the side effects. This included blurred vision, nausea, dizziness, headache, tiredness, insomnia, sweating, and uneven heartbeat. The worst was that my vision got so bad I actually would go blind and I got into a car accident because of it. The only good part was I was so nauseous that I lost 20 pounds in two weeks.

The third medicine that the Doctor tried was good for a week before I got every side effect again. Painful headaches, nausea, absurdly painful stomach pain, random hand tremors, and coughing. I had to be put on bed rest because I couldn’t walk and my blood pressure was very low. I couldn’t work and when I did I had to rest every few minutes because it took so much out of me. Finally the Doctor said I just shouldn’t work at all. The medicine I am on now works pretty well, getting it is the problem, over 1000$ a month is a steep price to pay for sanity.

So here I am now, attempting to work again. Trying to keep busy and distracted from my racing and intrusive thoughts. This blog and art projects have helped a lot in keeping me busy.

I have attached some pictures depicting my mentality. They arnt meant to be pretty or a show of skill but to be theraputic.

To see more look at my Instagram and like my FB:

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Borderline Personality Disorder is a hard disorder to define. That’s because people with bpd are inconsistent and it tends to piggyback and disguise itself as other diseases. Psychologists use nine criteria to determine if one has the disorder. If the person meets five of the nine they are considered to have BPD. I have every one of them.

The first criterion is if they are frantic to avoid real or imagined abandonment. This may include the inability to be alone.

The second is unstable, intense relationships with shifts from idealization to devaluation- clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance. I become attached to people easily, obsessive even, and then just as easily dismissive. The worst is when my affection level changes about a loved one and I can’t control how I feel or react.

Another criterion is unstable self-image. They don’t accept their own intelligence or attractiveness as constant traits but constantly needs to prove themselves and self-esteem is only achieved through impressing others. Anyone who knows me knows that low self-esteem is one of my trademarks. I hate myself. I long for people’s validation when I know it shouldn’t matter.

Another is impulsiveness in at least two potentially self-destructive areas such as substance abuse, promiscuity, gambling, reckless driving, shoplifting, excessive spending or overeating. Please for the love of God don’t check my driving record, my weight or my credit card bill.

Number five is recurrent suicidal threats or self-mutilating behaviors. I have tried to kill myself over a dozen times since I was 11 years old.

Next is instability due to severe mood shifts of depression, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours. Mood swings is one of the hardest things for me. It is exhausting and distressing to go from being fine to depressed to angry to panicked over and over again and no one truly understand that you cant control your emotions and you don’t know why you feel the way you do.

Another defining quality a person with BPD may have is a chronic feeling of emptiness. I feel empty and unfulfilled all the time. I have spent a lot of time searching trying to figure out what would make me feel whole before doing research and realizing it wasn’t that I was unfulfilled but it was a chronic feeling due to my illness. I didn’t need to start a new life to find what I needed need to understand myself better.

People with BPD may also feel inappropriate intense anger or lack of control of anger. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes is kind of often unfortunately. I don’t mean to be mean, I just panic because I feel attacked and frantic like alarms are going off and I need to alert someone before the whole ship sinks.

And lastly, stress related paranoid thoughts or symptoms of severe disassociation. So the person with BPD or the people around them don’t feel real. They can even have episodes of psychosis when stressed. I feel like I am on a TV show or in a lucid dream so consequences are irrelevant.

BPD has made life very hard. Not only for me but for my loved ones as well. The good news is that there is treatment and effective medication and a good number of people do go into remission.

Today for my art therapy I wanted to attach a painting I did to personify my illness.

Do you know someone who fits these criteria? Do you recognize some of these traits within yourself? What should I write about next?
Leave a comment and let me know!

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